I need to get some stuff off of my chest.

To be Frank: I miss the U of I. Columbia has 800 theatre students. I was one of three Junior scenic designers at U of I. I was (and am) passionate about theatre, and upset about how I believe theatre is slowly killing itself (see: Some previous posts). Instead of being constructive, and focusing that frustration into the power I needed to forge ahead, I criticized, and floundered. I had a fantastic adviser, and was surrounded by loving faculty who knew me, really knew me, even if I didn't know it at the time. I had a tight-knit group of friends who cared about the performing arts, who I loved like brothers and sisters. Though that love hasn't dissipated, they aren't close at hand for me to rely on.

And I threw that all away.

The realization was a long time in coming, but I threw a lot of opportunity away for no real reason at all. I can't do much of anything alone. I suppose if anything, I at least learned that life lesson, though at a terrible price. In my attempts to forge my own path, I led myself away from that which I miss so dearly now. Being surrounded by new Columbia students, both freshman and young transfers alike, has reminded me of my first year at the U of I, and how far I've fallen. I was set to design a show this year, besides propping and perhaps painting another. Designing my own show. It sounds so impossible now, surrounded by a press of theatre students, many of whom I will never personally know, all chomping at the bit for their own opportunities to prove themselves as artists. I had that opportunity. I was there. I just never really, really saw it. This is my last chance.

This realization, though crippling, must be placed aside for me to be able to move forward, which I why I've placed it here, in my blog, lest I ever forget what I surrendered.

I am in Chicago, now. In terms of talent, I believe that I will be able to, thanks to my instruction at the U of I, rise to the top of my class. I have the opportunity to pick up old friendships, to blow the dust off of lines of communication I didn't think I'd ever use again. I have the tools to wrest a successful future from what surrounds me. Sitting here, in the deep breath before the plunge, I am at least armed with that knowledge. I may have failed once, but not again.

Never again.